“Of course you are” his mum replies. “I’m a polar bear, your dad’s a polar bear, so you’re a polar bear”.

“But are you sure I don’t have any brown bear or grizzly bear in me?” he asks.

“Listen, if you don’t believe me go ask your grand-dad”

So he goes and asks his grand-dad

“Grand-dad, are you sure I’m a polar bear. I don’t have brown bear or grizzly bear in me?”

His grand–dad looks down on him and smiles.

“Listen, my boy, I’m a polar bear, my mum and dad were polar bears, and your granny, she was a polar bear, so your dad is a polar bear and so is your mum and her mum and her dad and her grand parents. We’re all polar bears so you are a pure, 100% polar bear”

The little polar bear doesn’t look convinced so his grand-dad asks him’

“What’s worrying you?”

“Well” he replies, “If both mum and dad are polar bears and all my grannies and grand-dads are polar bears, and even their mums and dads were all polar bears, and there’s no trace of grizzly or brown bear in me……then why am I so fucking cold?”

“Listen, we’ll just swim round them once with only a bit of our fins showing. Then we’ll swim around again with all our fins showing, then we’ll go eat”

The son shark does as he’s told and they scoff the lot. He asks his dad:

“What was all that business with the swimming around showing our fins before we went for the kill”

His Dad replied:

“I find people are like prawns, they taste a lot better when they’re not full of shit”

“Me feelin’ weally sick, bad cold in nose”
His boss lets him go but gives him some advice.

“Listen you can’t just give in to a cold. Try some vigorous exercise – in fact when I get a cold I find that if I make passionate love to my wife it goes away”

Next day the Chinese worker is back, evidently feeling a lot better.

“Thanks for advice, boss. It weally work. Also, you have nice house

A police car pulls up but before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts to scream hysterically, “My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the same again!”

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,” he says, “You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”

“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” sobs the boy banker, Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, “Didn’t you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The banker looks down in horror. “F***ING HELL!’ he screams……..”Where’s my Rolex???”

Why did god make woman after man?
You need a rough copy before the final draft.

Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man, love to forgive him and patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I’ll beat him to death.

Why do little boys whine?
They’re practicing to be men

What does it mean when a man is in your bed grasping for breath and calling your name?
You need to hold the pillow over his face for a bit longer

Why do men become smarter during sex?
They’re plugged into a genius

Why did God bother to make men at all?
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.

A man calls from the laundry room to his wife: “What setting on the washing machine do I use for my sweat shirt”
The wife shouts back, “What does it say on the shirt?”
“Adidas” he replies – and they say blonds are dumb.

The husband steps out of the shower and jokes “It’s so hot today I think I’ll stay naked. What do you think the neighbours will say?”
“That I married you for your money”

Up yours, Stame

A nice looking guy goes up to a pretty girl in a bar. After a few pleasantries he tells her that he is multi-millionaire and asks whether she would make love with him for a million dollars. The girl blushes and says coyly, “That’s a lot of money, I suppose I’d have to think about it”.

“Well, then”, he asks, “do you fancy a quick shag for 50 cents?”  Outraged, she slaps his face. “What kind of girl do you think I am?”

“I know what kind of girl you are”, he replies,” I’m just negotiating the price”.

A guy staggers home from the pub late at night, happy and pissed. As he passes a bush he hears a woman’s voice.
“Hey you, yes you – I don’t normally do this kind of thing but if you give me 30 quid you can have your way with me”
He thinks to himself that he doesn’t normally do this kind of thing either, but what the hell, so he hands over the money and in he goes.

After a few minutes a policeman comes along and shines his torch on the couple in the bush.

“What the hell do you think you two are up to?” he shouts.
The man replies:
“Do you mind officer, I’m making love to my wife”
“Terribly sorry, sir” says the Policeman, “I had no idea”.
“Neither did I ‘til you shone the torch”, replied the man.

They make themselves comfortable, build a shelter and start to catch fish and lobsters in the lagoon, which they cook over an open fire. The second night on the island, after another day of swimming in the lagoon and enjoying a fine seafood supper, Cindy says to Bob, “Look it’s only you and me and it doesn’t look like we’re going to get rescued any time soon. You’re a nice looking guy, why don’t we make love?”.

And so it goes for the next few weeks. They sleep in late, wake up, make love, go swimming, catch some supper, make love again and then snuggle down by the open fire. Life is good.

But then one night, after they have made love and are sitting by the fire, Cindy notices Bob is a bit down. “What is it Bob, is it something I’ve done?”

“No, not all Cindy, you’re just wonderful, everything about our lives here is wonderful. I’m just being silly. It’s a stupid guy thing”
Cindy urges him to tell her what the problem is and eventually he confesses:

“It is just a stupid guy thing but I miss my mates”

Cindy says, “I totally understand Bob and I want to help you. Why don’t I, just for tonight, pretend I’m your best mate, what is his name?”

“Fred”, Bob says, “but Cindy you don’t look much like Fred!”.

At this, Cindy gets up, fetches some coconut oil and slicks back her hair. She gets cinders from the fire and smears them across her face to give herself a 5 O’clock shadow. She lowers her voice and says, “Hey Bob, it’s me Fred, your best mate”
Bob looks at Fred and says:-

“Here Fred, you’ll never guess who I’ve been shagging for the last month!”