Are You Reading Me?

As a cheeky young brand manager I used to add a daft sentence to some boring brand document I’d been delegated to write (like the trade marketing plan – nobody senior could be bothered with that). So on about page 5 I’d add some line like this:-

In Cycle 10 all promotional E10 packs for Tesco Tier 5 superstores will include a dead parrot as a tribute to John Cleese and because we hate Tesco and their rather common shoppers.

I’d then sit back and wait. 9 times out of 10 there would be no comments ergo, no-one had read the document, ergo no-one gave a shit about trade marketing. (The odd occasion I was found out contributed significantly to me being passed over for promotion I believe).

These days, I worry that every time I scroll down and hit “I agree” on some software download means I have just handed over the right for some wag in Apple to smear my testicles in honey and hang me over an ant hill. They could you know – they could put all sorts of crap in the agreement and you’d never know because none of us – and I mean none of us – ever read them (Eddy Izzard is very amusing on this subject). We’d find out if someone pitched up on our doorstep with a pot of honey and a smile on their face. The first time this happened I guess the on-line community – aka social meedjah – would twitter and blog themselves into a frenzy. The guilty party in Apple would be booted out by Saint Steve and they’d then spend the rest of their miserable days trying to build a following on youtube with other tales of funny japes (like that Canadian twat FLuffee).

This line of thinking leads to me to a worrying conclusion. Although downloads of my eBooks seem to have gone very well – people even Twitter about them – no-one is reading them. Or at least no-one is reading all of them.

What else explains why people from Yorkshire have not been writing letters to the Times vilifying me for vilifying them in ‘10 people to watch out for in business’. Why have none of my former colleagues (who I cruelly parody in 10 Uncomfortable truths) been on the phone to complain (this is very surprising because I owe at least half of them money). Even if people can’t be bothered to read you’d think they would have spotted the photos of Elle MacPherson buck naked being licked from head to toe by an Alsatian on page 30 (I made this bit up – the lovely Elle would never do such a thing – just wanted to check you were still with me).

I deal in valuable truths (mostly). I deserve a more attentive audience.

Up yours, Stame